Oh my, how time flies. Here it is Tuesday, and it's been a full week since I've blogged. Total blog neglect, but, what can I say, my life simply isn't very interesting! I'm going to attempt to be better at blogging more regularly. We'll see...The sun is coming up earlier, and that does make it easier to get out of bed. Now if it would only quit snowing and WARM UP!!!! Amen? In any event, my apologies for not having posted anything for awhile. Lo siento!
So, onto more important things, like the meaning of life! Well, kind of. It's just that I have been thinking about my life a lot recently--where I am, where I've been, what I want to do, and where I want to go. Maybe because it's nearly spring, the time of new beginnings and spring cleaning, or maybe it's because I'm just at the end of my rope. But, whatever the impetus, I feel that God is telling me it is time for some changes in my life. Specifically, I feel that He is telling me two things: 1) "It's time to move on"; and 2) "Cut the crap." (OK, so I'm not sure that God uses that exact phrase, but the meaning is the same!) Now, that's all fine and good. I am definitely ready for some changes in my life, and I have a general idea of what I'm being prompted to do. The problem, however, is I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do after I make certain changes.
For example, for several months I have felt as if I am supposed to leave my current place of employment. It's no secret to anyone who knows me: I AM MISERABLE there. My work environment is insufferable, and I don't even enjoy my work anymore. I dread going to bed at night, knowing that I have to get up and do it again the next day. I have nightmares where I dream not only about work, but I also dream that people I work with are physically harming me. Some days it takes all the physical strength I have to actually get out of bed. It's like I'm paralyzed, lying there, completely unable to move my extremities. And, after I suffer all day at work, I'm utterly spent when I get home. And, then I get to do it all over again the next day. All of this stress has taken its toll on me, both emotionally and physically. Emotionally, I swing from sad and depressed to angry, and even vengeful. And that can happen in a matter of seconds. Physically, my body is deteriorating. I've gained the weight equivalent to a large toddler, my migraines are worse and more frequent, and I've made at least two trips to the emergency room with stress related symptoms, all since I started working there. Nothing that is sacred to me is sacred to these people, not God, not family, not physical and emotional health.
But, I thought that since I was here, God wanted me to be here. I thought, "There must be some purpose in this." But, over the last several months, I have felt God telling me, "It is time to move on." At first, the promptings were whispers. I would often push them out of my mind, thinking that they were a figment of my imagination. Since those first promptings, however, everywhere I go, in everything I read, watch or listen to, I see or hear something that corroborates those promptings. Over time, the promptings have gotten louder and louder. Now, instead of whispers, they are screams. As I laid in bed this morning, crying about getting up, once again, I felt God say, "IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON."
I agree with that, but here is my problem. I don't know what I'm supposed to move on to. Am I supposed to get another job in the same field, or am I supposed to move on to something entirely different? Over these last few months I have also felt that I am supposed to move. But where? I have been thinking of the South a lot, but is that only because we've had five feet of snow this winter, and I'm tired of it? It is not at all clear, and right now I'm getting silence on the specifics. Is it just me, or do you sometimes wish that God gave us all an instruction manual? You know, one that tells us where we are supposed to live, what we are supposed to do. Everything spelled out clearly for us. Maybe, it's just me and my Type A personality. I don't know.
In any event, the lack of specific direction compounds my problem. Instead of continuing to pray through these issues, or waiting on God to make the answers clear, I begin to doubt the promptings. Beth Moore once taught a lesson about being led by the Holy Spirit. In that lesson, she told a story about a friend who was awakened in her hotel room one night by a flashing red light. Her friend initially thought that God was speaking to her, but, instead, it turned out to be the light on the fire alarm. Beth's point was that sometimes God is leading us, but other times we just think it is God, when instead, it's only the fire alarm.
So, after awhile, I start to think, "Is this God, or is it just the fire alarm?" And, then I start thinking it's all in my head. I begin to think that I'm not supposed to find another job. Instead, I think that I'm weak and wimpy for not being able to handle the pressure and the stress. I tell myself that if I was only stronger, more determined, more steadfast, things would be OK, and, I stop listening to the promptings. And, initially things are good. I have a surge of "self-discipline" and "will power." I feel as if I am handing things better, even well. After awhile, though, it all falls apart, and I start sinking. Then I beat myself up for having doubted the promptings. I start listening to them again, but the same things happen. It is a nasty cycle of belief, doubt, and unbelief. A cycle that I can't quite seem to break away from right now.
I wish I had the answers. It would make it so much easier, but I realize it's not supposed to be easy. So, I'll keep struggling along, praying for more faith, and, of course, some specific guidance! But, if you have any ideas or suggestions for me, I'd love to hear them. And, thanks for letting me ramble on and pour my heart out. I know it isn't pretty, so thanks for listening.