OK, so I went roller skating yesterday afternoon. Yes, roller skating at a real rink. Roller skating complete with ugly skates and disco balls galore. And, no, it wasn't for a school fundraiser, and no, my child wasn't even with me. (He is way too cool for that). I went roller skating because I wanted to go roller skating. And, all I have to say is "What was I thinking???" I mean, I hadn't been roller skating in at least 20 years. But, I got to go with some of my favorite girlfriends. And, what can beat hanging out with your girlfriends at the skating rink? Nothin', that's what.
You may have picked up on the fact that I try to look for life lessons in just about any experience. So, without further ado, here is my top ten list from the roller skating rink. With a little help from some 80's friends...
Number 10: When you were just a young girl and still in school, How come you never learned the golden rule. Don't talk to strange men, don't be a fool. I'm hearin' stories, I don't think that's cool. Don't talk to strangers. Especially strange men who want to talk about your "bumpers."
Number 9: Lies, lies, lies, yeah! Lies, lies, lies, yeah! No matter what your friends try to tell you, roller skating is NOT like riding a bike. Well, maybe it is. I really wasn't very good at riding a bike. So, I guess I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on this one ;)
Number 8: Don't stand, don't stand so, Don't stand so close to me. It's been two decades since I've roller skated, and I might fall and take you out. Small children should especially heed this warning as failure to do so could result in serious injury or death.
Number 7: Whoa, we're half way there, Whoa, livin' on a prayer. If it has been more than a few years since you've been roller skating, prayer is key. Pray before you get on the rink, pray when you're half way around the rink, pray after one complete rotation around the rink. Repeat sequence as many times as necessary.
Number 6: I've been around for you, I've been up and down for you, But I just can't get any relief, I've swallowed my pride for you...I believe it's time for me to fly. It becomes a problem, however, when you can't really fly, but you are frantically moving your arms in a wing-like motion. You know, like animated characters in the cartoons. And, I can now tell you from experience, the flapping isn't gonna make you fly, and it isn't gonna keep you from falling either.
Number 5: We are the world, we are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving. There's a choice we're making. We're saving our own lives. It's true we'll make a better day, just you and me. OK, so that really has nothing to do with roller skating, but admit it, you are singing along now. And, I know you're doing the Stevie Wonder thing with your head. Don't even try to deny it.
Number 4: Say, we can act if we want to, if we don't nobody will, And you can act real rude or totally removed, And I can act like an imbecile. If you feel the need to share your hidden rapping talent with the entire skating rink, you better be OK with acting like an imbecile. Especially if you are white woman from the burbs who has no real, musical ability.
Number 3: Let's get physical, physical, I wanna get physical, let's get into physical, Let me hear your body talk, Your body talk, let me hear your body talk. Roller skating really is physical activity. It may not have seemed like it when you were ten, but twenty years later, let me tell you, it is. And, if it's been twenty years since you've been roller skating, you might want to increase your OS-CAL dosage, or bring a can of WD-40, because you might not want to hear your body talk. It kind of sounds like someone walking on an old staircase.
Number 2: And I'm free, free fallin, 'Yeah I'm free, free fallin'. If it's been two decades since you've been roller skating, and you don't have the muscle memory of your wonderful friends, you should be prepared to wipe out. To prevent swollen kneecaps and bruises I would highly suggest wearing knee pads. Especially, since despite the stranger's remarks about your "bumpers", said "bumpers" do very little to protect your knees. Unless, your Maxine from those Hallmark cards. Can we just say, PTL for support bras.
And, drum roll please...
Number 1: Now I've had the time of my life. No I never felt like this before. Yes, I swear it's the truth, and I owe it all to you. It's amazing how much fun you can have at a roller skating rink. I think we just might have to do it again. But, maybe I'll make use of the Saturday morning lessons before I do...