Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Roller Coaster of Love

Whew! I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last posted anything. (Sorry, Melissa!) I wish I had some really great reason why I haven't posted, but I really don't. Just exhaustion, or maybe just laziness...Hmm, I guess that might be a matter of perspective. Anyway, here I am.
In case you were wondering about the hostile takeover, I survived the battle. My mother should be boarding her plane shortly. But, I didn't survive without some major battle wounds. My mother and I didn't make it through the entire visit without getting into a major argument. It happened Monday night, and it started over something relatively insignificant. But, it really doesn't matter why we were arguing. We just were.
My mother and I have not always been very close, but we've tried harder in the last several years. We definitely haven't always had a very good relationship. I guess you could say that we have baggage...lots of baggage. And, even though most of that baggage is from the very distant past, it somehow pushes its way to the top every time my mom and I argue. What makes it even worse is that it isn't pretty baggage. In fact, some of it is very ugly. So ugly, that when it gets brought out into the open, it conjures up such awful memories and feelings, that I can barely function. First, I get angry and indignant, and then I get sad.
So, my question is, how do you lay your baggage down? I mean I thought I had forgiven my mother for these things, but now I'm wondering, have I really forgiven her? If I have forgiven her, why do the memories still have such an affect on me?
What makes everything worse this time is that she is leaving before we really get an opportunity to work through this issue. And, now that she's leaving, I'm feeling a whole different slew of emotions. I feel guilty for all of the things I thought and said about and to her. I remember good times we had together during this visit. And, it just stinks!
I don't know if you have issues like this with anyone in your lives. Maybe I'm the only one? You see, with me and my mother, it's like we're on a roller coaster. Our good times are really good, but inevitably, our bad times come, and when they do, they are really bad. And often it feels as we are going around and around the same upside down loop. I don't exactly know what the solution is. I just know that I want to try to get off the ride, and on to something else. Like maybe the skylift. It's high off the ground, but it's level, and it's always moving forward. I don't know. Maybe the skylift isn't possible for us, but I'm hopeful. And even if my mother and I will continue to ride the roller coaster together, I'm encouraged by the fact that despite whatever else it might be, it is a roller coaster of love.
Yes, I do have that song in my head, and now so do you! Roller coaster of love, roller coaster, ooh ooh ooh...

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